I didn’t dream as a young kid... not in the way other little girls did. I didn't dream about going to college, getting married, and having kids one day. I don't remember thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up until I was a teenager. I couldn’t picture my life outside of its present moment for much of my early childhood. My environment didn’t make space for it. I was either trying to find my mother & stop her from getting high or committing suicide; fighting off neighborhood bullies & predatory men (there was no shortage of them in the hood I’m from); lying to police & child protective services; trying to find food to eat, and a safe place to sleep; or desperately looking for spaces I wasn’t being hated for being too black, too white, too poor, or a reflection of things people hated about themselves.
Each day felt like eternity when I was nine. I hated nighttime because of the fear it brought, yet sleep was my only peace. I felt like I lived a lifetime by the time I was 14 and some would say I had. I didn't recognize it then because my awareness was based on my understanding and experience at the time, but I hadn't even begin to live yet. I was surviving and I thought the way I was living life was normal. You would think as an adult who is capable of making her own choices I would've learned to dream & surely would’ve been living life right? Nah, not until I was about 30 anyway. When you are fighting to survive, you become an expert in anticipating chaos. You’re moving through moments trying to control perceived threats. Independence is your best friend because who did you learn to trust? You learned to be highly reactive (even if you avoid & isolate) to your environment with little emotional regulation. Most of you is running on autopilot. You focus on fear, lack and what you don't want so much that you continually bring what you are trying to avoid into your reality. Along my journey of healing and growth, I've learned to identify, confront, and move through uncomfortable emotions instead of living a life of sabotage where they are in control (reactive, suppressing, and avoiding much?). I gained an understanding of just how powerful my mind is. I dove deep to question tightly held perceptions, perspectives and beliefs. One of my favorite questions today is, "what is the story you are telling yourself?".
All that work (and it is work) has led me to the greatest gift I could give myself - the gift of discovering who I truly am and what it is I truly want. I didn’t even know what made me happy at one point in my 20s. Healing has taught me how to dream, create the life I desire to live, and how to show up and live it fully! Something that sounds so simple yet inconceivable at one point in my life.
So, question for you - are you living or surviving?
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